I am not a museum guy. Old stuff… whatever. But just in case you pack up your tent, RV or sleeping bag and head for Fort Stevens — do make a point of visiting the Columbia River Maritime Museum in Astoria, Oregon. I swear you will find it fascinating even if you’ve never cared a bit about boats and ships and whatnot. Check out their website whydon’tcha.
And now, back to our story. Please see below. The photo has been lightened up in post-processing by an amateur photographer who will remain nameless — this is so you can see the picture. In reality it is quite dark in this place.
What do you think when you look down a steep, dark, curving stairway? Zombies, right? Sure.
I have nightmares about zombies. Yes, I watch them on TV, but when I’m asleep they’re real. And they’re always just around the corner. And it’s always dark. And… you know.
When we visited Battery Russel at Fort Stevens State Park, all I could think is what a perfect spot for a zombie scene.
Just look at the place. If you saw this on the TV, wouldn’t you speak up to the characters on the screen? ‘Uh, hello, maybe don’t go in there? I think I hear “Grrrrrrrrrr.HHssssssssssss.” ‘
I am not alone in my trepidation.
The rest of the team watched while I checked out the stairs. “Aim for the cerebral cortex, Dad! Otherwise you’re bit. And no, we are so not coming down there with you.”
Side note: has anyone noticed what great teeth zombies have? What happened to the denture wearers or meth-heads who were bitten? Did they re-grow great teeth?
Sorry.
This deep, round hole is a very good place to mount and anchor a great big cannon, so you can shoot at invading ships and scare them off. A pair of these make up the battery. Or maybe there were more… but we didn’t see ’em.
For the post-apocolyptically minded, the hole would also be a great place to store zombies, who don’t climb well. You could just keep them in there and scare people with them.
Up at the top of the battery structure, I found what I think is a place for command types, or maybe people who organized the aiming of the giant guns that used to be here. It would be easy for them to duck, if necessary, to avoid getting blinded or deafened or flattened. Also, zombies, were they to show up, would never think to look in there, right?
This little covered room on the left is, I think, where command types would hang out.
Look outward from that little room and you can see where the ocean used to be. Well, it’s still there, but…
Down in front! When you look out from the command bunker, or whatever that was, you see the ocean and all the invading ships — but only if you have a time machine. Because now the ocean view is blocked by vegetation, and the invading ships have been replaced by, uh, laser satellites or something.
Historical note: this engine of war was only fired upon once. Sometime during World War II, a Japanese submarine (or two) lobbed some of their lightweight shells from the ocean up toward this battery.
They missed. Good.
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